It’s not even 5:00 yet and there’s no wine in the house. Is it age? or am I just getting blonder as my roots go darker?
I just calmed myself down from the upsetting incident that just happened in my kitchen. No… this time it did not involve a knife or butter... but instead 2 seemingly very innocent taco shells.
Taco’s are my “easy ticket” meal. I can whip em up in my sleep – but…if I should be wide awake and turn my back as they “bake” in the toaster oven… not so much. One minute I was chatting with my daughter about one thing and the next minute I was screaming “RUN!” as I watched the taco shells burst into flame and once again I found myself doing what any blonde would do in such a situation….
1. Scream “Fire!”
2. Scream “Shit!” “Fire!”
3. Scream “Oh God!” “Shit” ” FIRE!”
4. Where are my Oven mits? (“If I would only put them back where I found them… then they would always be here for emergencies such as these…) “oh shit. GOD. FIRE!”
5. Lurch, open toaster door ( fucking idiot… now the flames are coming OUT the door!!!)
6. OH SHIT! FIRE! OH GOD! OH SHIT!
7. Under the sink- there is a fire extinguisher! (I am brilliant that I remembered that’s its here!- I’ll save the house, the family)
8. WAIT! I don’t know how to use a fire extinguisher!
9. “OH GOD! SHIT SHIT SHIT FIRE!!!”
10. “WATER!!!” WATER!!!! “SINK SPRAYER!” “WATER!” ( Smoke Detector blares in the background and as the spraying water hits the fire the hissing and steam are deafening… I look around me for the first time and notice my daughter has not moved an inch but is sitting in apparent terror at the table waiting for her serving of tonight’s tasty dinner… )
11. Electricity and water don’t mix… ooops… too late.
12. Fire is out. water everywhere. Steam. Hissing.
13. Giggling….she’s giggling…
14. Now- full blown hysteric’s – my heart is beating a million miles and hour and my daughter is on the floor killing herself laughing and says….
“I am so telling my class about this one” and run’s into the other room to tell her brother: “Mom nearly just burnt the WHOLE HOUSE down!”
15. As if stuff like this happens all the time or something. Sheesh.
16. Mr. Goodbar just called to let me know he took out another rider on our insurance.