A Poem to Set you Free

The Bird Nest by Linda Apple

This poem by Mary Oliver has been near and dear to my heart since I first came upon it in the book : Ten Poems to Set You Free.  Before I was finally able to find the courage to speak up about what I wanted in my life and assert my own needs I would go to the bookstore ( B&N) which is something I’ve been known to do all my life.  Somehow walking through the shelves of books, touching the bindings, or reading the back jacket made me feel safe and comforted.

One of these many afternoons I found myself in the poetry section and this little blue book with a nest on the cover seemed to beckon me to open it.  I opened it directly to this page.  I remember my heart beating more quickly as i finished it, and a flood of emotion welling from me and I read it again and again as I just sat there on the carpeted floor in the safe haven of this poem that said it all, and I wept for joy…. it really did help set me free – nothing else could have explained what I was facing so eloquently… my family had no hope of surviving if I continued to remain a ghost.  This poem gave me the courage to do what I needed to do, and I hope it speaks to someone else out there today.  XO

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice —

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do —

determined to save

the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

Our Time

At dawn (6am) my son woke me up to  remind me that we would sit on the couch together.  He would do his thing, and I would do mine.

I get up each morning at this time to do some light meditation, journal, or respond to emails.  He’s been fascinated with the idea that I get up before everyone else and have “my time.”  Last night he told me he’d like to have it be “our time”  so I explained that if this were to be- we would need to both sit quietly doing “our own thing” so that my quiet time could be happy time spent in his presence but he had to remember that my “mom time” with him does not kick in until that time is over.

As I sit here typing, we are currently at the end of “our time” and his eyes have met mine at several points this last hour. He with his drawing supplies and pad and me with my journal or computer and we just smile quietly to each other and go back to what we were doing.

My last five minutes will be spent in a quiet meditation of gratitude with him.  How blessed I am to have “our time” as mother and son in this “life time”.

Thank you God.

Whole Foods = Whole Paycheck

I was in Providence yesterday at an appointment on Wayland Square so I figured I’d “drop in” at the local Whole Foods.  Fifteen items later I was going through check out when the cashier smiled pleasantly and asked me for my entire weeks earning.  I almost choked on my mango chutney cracker sample.

It was super embarrassing- I mean, there I was… enjoying the fact that I was about to eat a really healthy lunch from the salad bar with a side of sushi and a few other “nibbles” for the week including the cutest little packaged boxes of Easter chocolates for the bunny basket.

“That will be $203.00 please….”

When i was younger  I would have been able to think on my feet more quickly… like- “whoops, can you just hang on a sec?- I seemed to have forgotten my Chia seed’s in aisle three”  and made a beeline for the back door – never to return. Whew… can you imagine almost spending that kind of money for a sack full of groceries?!

Then I realized that she was still standing there, and so was I…

blinking.

“blink. ”

“blink.”

Ummm… s..ur….e. lemme just get that out of my assssssss…….

Today at Pilates I told my awesome instructor about my experience and when I said “Have you ever been to whole foods?” she said … “you mean – whole paycheck?”

STOP CULTURE is the new POP Culture

Ear Muff It.

My friend Jackie wrote about this experience while listening to the radio with her son on the way to school.

*Sigh* – Sometimes I feel so helpless as a mom to protect my kids from “Pop” culture.

I think we should call it “STOP” culture.

Our american culture is most decidedly de-culturing to our kids.

It’s sad. It makes me so upset.  I’m not perfect when it comes to media and my kids but I do control the dial at home in terms of what they watch and listen to.  Sometimes I think it’s really innocent and then i realize…

Not so much.

Can we please request some wholesomeness and REAL culture back into our lives and the lives of our children?

Are You There Vodka?

Today I lost my son, and his play date.

They were just going to the basement to play… one minute I saw their small forms heading that way and 15 minutes later when I went down the basement to see how they were faring … there was no them.  (Our spacious finished basement is around the side of the house and you have to go outside to get to it!)

It was dark.
My heart sank.
My son does not turn off the lights- he only turns them on, which means that for the 15 minutes I was inside thinking they were in the basement….they were… gone.

Don’t panic. Don’t panic.

I panicked.

I began to call for them as I looked in the yard, and around the perimeter of the house, inside, outside, in the garage? while yelling their names.  I got especially wound up when I got to the part where my son’s coat was in a heap at the end of the driveway and a scooter lay on it’s side. I looked down the street. Could they have walked down the street? no. would they do that?

I ran to the neighbors house.. maybe they went to see T.J.?

I could see her son sitting quietly doing his homework when I knocked on the door and my heart sank even lower.

She joined me in the hunt and I got into the car and started to drive the new neighborhood. It’s windy out and it’s getting to be 4:00 soon and I can barely hear my own voice as I call into the gusting sound of the tree’s.

It’s way too quiet otherwise-  Where IS Everybody?!!

I drive around the block several times and I see two teenagers-  “nope” they say in that slouchy uninterested way.

I am coming out of my skin.

“If you see two little boys I want you to tell them to stay with you! and… don’t just SLOUCH there! DOOO SOMETHING! Don’t you have a BMX bike or something????!!”

I began to hyperventilate. My head started to hallucinate

“Um, yeah… about that little boy of yours you left in my care … um, … he’s gone.”

Police cars, siren’s…  ok SNAP OUT OF IT MONICA!!!  FOCUS AND CALM THE HECK DOWN!

Prayer:  “God… don’t do this to me. Don’t you do this to me. Not this. Not Now, NO. NO. NO.
“ok, please God, please… just lead me to these little boys…please make them be ok. WHERE ARE THEY ???!!!!

I saw the postman in the distance and honked him down like a crazy maniac…

“I haven’t seen them Mame”

I’m crying now. Oh dear God where are they?

“Please! please if you see them….” I’m begging him.

Back to the house: My neighbor waits in case they came back. Her face is grim.

Time is ticking. I make the decision now to call for back up – I’m unable to think clearly. I am terrified.

I dial 911

Crying harder now as my panic continues to rise…

“He’s blonde, freckles. khaki pants, 4ft, has a blue shirt on, with a white wolf… it’s Tea Collection (???)
I don’t even know what I am saying anymore…. It’s getting dark. His little friend …  brown hair…smaller, I don’t recall what he was wearing.. OMG where are they????

The postman is coming toward my home.. driving… like a bat out of hell… waving!!! OMG! WHAT?
“You found them?”

“Just a few streets over…  ? That’s far.  A FEW STREETS OVER? ARE THEY OK?”

I get in my car and follow the postman desperately scanning the street for them.  As soon as I am done hugging him and kiss every single freckle on his sweet face I will murder him.
They are obediently sitting, holding hands.. waiting..just as the postman instructed. Safe. Beautiful. Unharmed. Boys.

“Sheesh mom!- we were just SSSPLORING!” My son say’s as I try to hastily wipe the tears from my face and stifle a sob of relief.

THANK YOU GOD. Thank you.

Are you there Vodka? It’s me again.

There Are No Winners

There are no winners in wars; only losers. Both sides in any conflict suffer losses. The question is not who won the most but who lost the least. 

Everyone suffers in war. everyone, including those who are the innocent. 

Sometimes the best thing to do is to simply let it go…  walk away.. turn the other cheek; count your blessings and pray.  Certainly there is a God? 

 

 

This is quickly becoming one of my most favorite blogs. I love Kelly’s courage. Her posts really speak to me.

Be Anything But Quiet!

The last thing I want to do right now is write this blog. It has been one of the hardest weeks of my life, and I just want to curl up under my favorite blanket and disappear. But, WordPress has a feature where you can see the search terms that bring people to your blog. This week, my top search terms included, “quotes on girls r not everything”, “fucked up canadian quotes”, and most alarmingly of all, “thinspo 2012”, and “thinspo of beauty”. If there is a chance that the people searching for these things actually stop to read something I’ve written, and maybe find hope instead of self-destruction, I can’t, in good conscience, retreat when society needs us all to advance.

So here goes. It’s the last day of NEDA Awareness week. For those of you just joining us, this year’s theme is “Everybody Knows Somebody”. And while I…

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Children of America

I hate politics, and feel pretty much the same way as five year old Hudson Hinkley Does “YUCK!” But if you want to grab my attention as a mom and get me to listen in- start talking to me in terms even a five year old can understand and focus the conversation of the future of my children.  ALL our children.

I want to be more involved in “conversations that matter” not  “Politics”- PLEASE! Stop wasting my time!

I don’t want to watch a bunch of grown men sling mud and create media chaos that distracts from the real issues at hand, and for god’s sake I have better things to do than listen to the endless rhetoric and wah wah cry baby antics. I’ve got noses to wipe, meals to make, laundry to fold, bodies to cuddle and story’s to read.  I also have a full time job and I’m trying to make an income so that I can afford money to send my kids to camp this summer and to keep them out of the public school system because it’s a travesty. 

We are seriously messing up the future of our children.
They collectively SIT for 8-10 hours a DAY passively taking in volumes of information so that they can be tested.  They don’t move their bodies much , are not playing outside, are having their art and music classes cut, and eating a steady  diet of GMO’s, Sugars, and artificial ingredients.

They have parents who are overstressed, overworked, underpaid, and unappreciated in their jobs who come home and are so tired that they can’t even find the strength or time it takes to engage with their kids in meaningful ways.

Because we are so dis-connected, and numb- our kids are phasing into more connectedness with video games, television, food and poor behavior.  The results are tragic:  anti-depressants, adderall and any other drug we can get into them so that they will COMPLY and not be “difficult” – We’ve taken away their freedom, and rights, and their voices because guess what?  We don’t have any to give.   Our country is filled with the unconscious.

We have become slaves to the dollar, the deficit, and the detriment and we have sold our personal sense of integrity, and our morals and values for a chance to be on reality TV.  Double U TEE EFF?

Our children are angry, lonely, anxious, hostile,  violent, and SAD.  They need us.

This post isn’t about getting more votes for Barry Hinkley   It’s about the lengths we need to go to for us to wake up and come together as parents in order for change to happen.

I’m grateful for the video that stars Hudson Hinckley – because our children SHOULD be starring in this “movie” we’ve created out of our lives. If you look around though you’ll see a burnt down hollywood of thugs, thieves, liars, and zombies.

We’ve lost our real authentic selves, our sense of integrity, nobility and duty.

What are we teaching these kids anyway?  Kids model the behavior of adults, so if that does not scare you then nothing will.

HUDSON’s  got my attention:   You know why? Because he has no idea what he’s saying in this “campaign” video. He’s just a kid who loves his Dad and that’s about as simple and as complicated as it gets.   All of our children are all trying to tell us something…

are we listening?