Thoughts Of Mothers Day

This is my first official portrait taken with my two children.  Why did I wait so long?! Last Saturday we lucked out with a beautiful afternoon and spent our time together in the competent and amazingly talented hands of  Terry Lee Cafferty. Terry Lee was offering a Mothers Day promotion at her new studio and I knew right away I wanted to participate. I’m still only ten years new at this mommy thing and who are these two look-alike children with their beautiful faces on top of mine?  I’m so happy we did this!

As Mothers Day approaches I think of my own Mother- a woman who has dedicated every cell in her body to making sure I am alive and well in the world and that nothing harms a hair follicle on my precious head.  I realize that the witchery of motherhood  comes as some instant hex when we deliver our tight fisted babe from the universal womb. Our instincts forever heightened and downright primal as we need simply tilt our heads in a certain angle in order to sniff the air- the scent of our baby inextricably glued into our every pore for ad infinitum.  I get it now-  no one could have ever explained how birthing another forever changes you.

My Mother- The woman who somehow just “knows” when something is not quite right  -the invisible thread.  Was it a message sent to her by way of  the wind? A tug in the umbilical aura? A shift in cosmic energy? How does she doooo that? Oh, yes… this is me now… I too can summon hurricane force winds and lift John Deer Tractors if given by threat to my children.  YES,  HEAR ME ROAR.

This beautiful creature – my mother, as time wraps it’s wisdom in a shawl of crinkled lines around her sparkling eyes
every
single
time
she looks at her children… her grandchildren
growing even more beautiful with age.

This being who brought me in, knew long before I ever would what it really takes to birth another, raise another, love another, bury another, honor another… what it takes to keep the memories of past faces and places like heart shaped moments on the tin of a freshly baked cookie sheet…  smell the goodness.

“Mom- i’m home!”

home again home again jigged de jig….

She was always there….

bigger than life …even when she wasn’t…

…  her face and voice the echo and compass inside the heart she grew, inside a heart that knew inside a heart of another, mother… hers.

Her love-  combined with the waterfall of (other) mothers…. never ending – it’s force coming down to cleanse and rebirth even the most prodigal child…

never did she lose faith or hope.

never did she stop giving.

believing,

loving.

and so…it’s mothers day, and I will follow her lead – with every cell in my body which inherently knows the true depth and power of  this love. This awesome mom- me power so pure and this connection so strong that yes, one gentle breeze might simply touch my cheek and I will know, oh I will know that moment before I know- because that is the power of mom, and somehow in this cosmos come hell or high water I will lean in with every fiber of my being to kow that my babies are alright and if that’s so – then:  ALL is right with the world….  YES. All is right with the world.

Happy Mothers Day.

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Totally GAY for V- Day

I just started a pin board on pinterest called “Gay and Romantic” which is completely not PC, however; when I grew up “gay” did not mean “gay” & “queer” did not mean “queer” 
gay simply = queer which was a form of goofy+ sappy meets silly+ ridiculous- and that was all.  It was completely “ok” by us to call each other “gay” or  “queer” or “retarded”. We kids knew what we meant, it was the adults who eventually made it complicated, politically incorrect, offensive, & wrong- *sigh*…. leave it to adults to spoil perfectly awesome and I still want to use them everyday words!!!

In any case-  I love being gay and romantic – especially because:  I am!
Being in love makes it all possible… thank God for love because it inspires me to do incredibly queer and retarded things and I have GOOD REASON ( see: chemical imbalance)  (and again, for the RECORD- let me please clarify that I do not in anyway mean ANYthing derogatory to either mentally challenged adults or same sex lovers!- those two things just don’t EVEN cross my mind in this case!)

With Valentines day almost upon us I am thinking about what I can do for my own “lovah” (which is a term that makes us both cringe and so I giggle as I write it.) However, I realize that the gayest thing I’ve ever done for him is so gay that it might have bought me a free pass for a couple of years in which i do not have to do anything as “over the top” as what I presented to him last V-day!

“TA- DA!” ( I remember it well)  He unwrapped the box that contained the grubby little moleskine journal and looked at it with mild trepidation.

“What is it?” He asked.

I had kept a journal professing my love to him over the course of the year and gave to him.  I think I raised my eyebrows and said something romantic

and gay

like:  “It’s my heart… and, it’s yours now”   (Ok, I am making this part up and I just had to go to the bathroom so I don’t wet my bathrobe thinking about looking into his eyes and saying this… i think he would die.)  As it is I think he’s only read a few pages to this day… (too queer!) so perhaps I can bring it back out (NO!!!!!!- like the JC penny commercial) and highlight a few choice passages for review- read them outloud to him by candlelight in the naughty negligee I don’t own or something equally as cringe – worthy.

Seriously? I personally love it because I filled the entire thing and mean every word of it and then had the guts (aka stupidity) to give it to him but it was over the top queer and we both know it.  One of the reasons I love him so much is that I know it will mean a lot to him one day though like maybe when we are like 98 we can lay next to each other reading it and LMAO.

It was a once in a lifetime unabashed devotional to the man i love and if anyone ever found it guess what I KNOW they would immediately say upon reading it (especially if they grew up in the same era) they would say:

  “This is SOOOO GAY! What kind of a RETARD would actually write this sh*t?”

and we would all nod and agree because we would know EXACTLY what kind of a retard would do that…..

ME!!!!

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The V-day Journal for my "Lovah"

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The Beauty of a Second

How many of these moments do we have as parents?  So many moments I’ve witnessed a glance, a gesture, a moment of utter perfection that have not lasted any longer than this… too short, fleeting and uncontrived to even reach for a camera – all we have is our memory with which to capture it.  The other night the full moon came up over the field a short distance from my house.  It was the most extraordinary color orange. Big- like the kind of moon you see in a movie and I felt like if i crossed the field i could touch it.  It totally made my heart hurt for all it’s beauty – and in an instant it was gone- up in the sky again, untouchable.  These are the seconds that count.

I love this little project – it really spoke to me.

Light, Love, Divorce and Family.

I am loving our new home/family dynamic since the move.  It’s always good to plan for the worst and hope for the best and frankly I was not sure how we would all fare living together for the first time.

Throughout the last couple of years the Goodbar and I had never put our need’s or desire’s over the kids.  Our old house was their house after all and so we’d wanted to be conscious and respectful as they got used to the idea that we were eventually going to go the blended family route.  He officially “spent the night” only a handful of times and to the kids it was kind of like a friend having a sleepover (it was kind of like that for mommy too). In the meantime – we did a lot of “discussing” with them what our new “family”  configuration might be like when it was time and I think it really helped them to get an idea and a visual in mind.  In addition I think it prepared them because they were able to ask questions and get answers.

I don’t think either of my kids really have much of a memory in terms of the “missing” of their Dad and it’s  Because our lives were so very different and our schedules completely opposite- they only ever remember being with one of us really, at any given time. Unfortunately or fortunately (depending how you look at it) we never really had a “family” dynamic.  We were existing, surviving, and avoiding- the kids were used to the tension, the excuses, and the hastily made and cleaned up and all to “rare” family meals… sad but true. In hind-sight I can feel a genuine sadness for all of us-  we just did not know how to “be” together any other way.   In hindsight I see that our break up was eminent… but we delayed, and tried, and strained…. “for the sake of the family”.

I appreciate and honor my wasband.  I always will- because I learned so much, and because I believe we were called to be together to bring our children into the world and be married for a period of time.   We had many many good times together and I believe that our “spiritual contract” was up long before we had the strength or awareness that it was time to officially pull the plug. I find myself amazed each day now as I experience such a different reality. One of happiness, peace, and unity- a true sense of “family.”  Both of us see now how deeply unhappy we were together when we were married, so now- we can simply enjoy each other for who the other is- instead of driving each other crazy that we are not the person we needed the other to be. He too is part of this new hybrid family, as he will always be my parenting partner. This new version is one we can all truly appreciate and that works- finally.

In the meantime I have a deep appreciation, respect, and compassion for those going through divorce. It’s heart breaking and painful- almost every step of the way.  It was one of the most lonely and terrifying experiences of my life and it was only through the support of a few select people that I made it through at all. When you decide to end a marriage a funny thing happens – everyone starts having their opinions, and judgements, and projecting their own thoughts and beliefs instead of just listening and being supportive.  Divorce can wreck havoc on close groups of friends who’ve all known and loved each other over the years.  It’s never easy to know what to do when a loved couple decides to split- it seems to threaten the very dynamic of the group- and we all have a deep need to stay in our comfort zone. So- in addition to the grief and pain the actual divorcing couple experiences, there’s so much more to it that creates all kinds of additional chaos for all involved.

Had I not gone through the experiences that have helped to shape me, I would not have grown so much, or been able to appreciate the difference of what I am experiencing now- and it’s with deep gratitude that I can now have perspective on those dark times &  truly appreciate and know the light when it shines itself into my world as it is now.

Thank you God.

Stone Soup and Why You Should Taste it!

Yeah- I know…. it’s a fair and everyone is having one this time of year but everyone is not having a FAIRE.

Did any of you read the recent New York Times article published right after Steve Jobs passed away a few Sundays ago?  It was written about one of our fellow Waldorf schools in Palo Alto California, and if you were at all curious about what all the fuss is about- our Faire would make for a great introduction.

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Our school Holiday Faire is difficult to describe, but I’m gonna give it a shot because I want everyone to come (that way you’ll know that I am not making this stuff up and can vouch for me in other yet unproven circumstances!)

The first time I went to Europe I was taken aback by how magical everything was.   It was like a feast for the senses, and I devoured everything i could see, touch, smell, taste, and have developed a penchant for italian shoes and european goods that borders on an obsession.   Although we won’t be offering the Prada shoe’s for sale at the faire we will be offering the most gorgeous, unique and luxurious products I could find from all over the world.  Yes, that’s right… I was the buyer for the faire and let me tell you- you are in for a TREAT and I AM NOT BIASED I SWEAR!!!

Each year we have a theme to our Faire and this years theme is from the old story of STONE SOUP ~ Remember the children’s book?  Well as the story goes- a hungry beggar goes from home to home with what at first is an empty pot and a single stone asking for a donation from each home’s kitchen so he can make a most delicious stone soup. All the towns people contribute and everyone in the community takes part in it’s wonderful creation and then sits down for a meal together.

Until a few years ago when I started to get involved in the creation of this Faire, I felt kind of jaded about the holidays. It was so commercial, and nothing seemed unique or special. Now I look forward to each year of our Faire where I know I can find unique gifts that you can not find anywhere else, can catch the spirit of the season and spend a day of joy with everyone celebrating together. It’s just so special with the most amazing colors, smalls, sights, dance, music, and food… it’s just magical. The community that makes this “soup” is just amazing and you will experience their hard work, home cooking, handcrafts, and joy so please… come have a taste.

Saturday evening (NOV 19th) is for Adults only from 6-9 pm. If you bring a friend who does not currently go to the school and you are one of the first 50 through the door you and he/she will receive an amazing gift bag with some amazing products and discounts from community contributors (just a lil’ incentive!)

and Sunday all Day 10 am- 4 pm (November 20th) is our FAMILY DAY ( so feel free to bring the kids) where there will be food, festivities, games, a gnome cave, a pocket lady, music, dancing, a puppet show and of course a continuation of some amazing shopping!  Bring your own shopping bag ( just in case) and you’ll enter into a wonderland inside the school where you’ll visit our School Holiday Store where you will find handmade goods, european toys and products from India, Africa, Peru, and around the world. The Bee Room with fresh honey, gifts, luminaries and everything made from Bee’s products.  Then you can visit our “book garden” where you can get some hard to find Childrens books from writers like Elsa Beskow etc. and a gently used book garden for brand new titles for just a few dollars each. There is an amazing Farmers Market so you can stock up on yummy veggies and food items for Thanksgiving, and there is a cafe, a craft room and so much more.  If you click HERE you can see images which are  just some of the things you will find at our school this Holiday Faire.  Please “Like” us on Facebook HERE so that you can get reminders of our other great events and please don’t forget to SHARE this post on your own wall so that friends can join you with their families too!

PS: If there are any brand conscious people out there we have invested in over 70 unique brands including: Nova Natural, Sarahs Silks, Kathe Kruse, Moulin Roty (France), Osthiemer (Germany), Handprint (India) En Gry & Sif (Denmark), Mama K’s Aromatic Clay, Evi Dolls (Germany), Channel Craft Toys ( USA), Grimms (Germany),  Jam Town ( Africa), and much much much more!

Soaps, Fine candles, Felted Bags, Purses, Computer Bags, Slippers, Hats, Food, Wooden Toys, Dolls, Doll House and Accessories, Fairy Homes, Robes, Cutting Boards, Jewelry… it’s endless!

The Meadowbrook Waldorf School 
300 Kingston Road (Route 138)
Richmond RI 02892

September

September has always been the most powerful month in my life.

My father died when I was twenty toward the end of September- and I will never forget the feeling in the cool Maine air that week before he passed. It was as if he was joining the gentle fall of the leaves as our tears fell too and we wept to let him go. Everything was still and quiet when we said our goodbyes and I knew then that he would always be with me, and that goodbyes are not forever.

After College graduation I spent the month of September driving cross country roads with Irish Paul and under the big sky’s and over the badlands which added such expansion to my world, and my heart. Each exploration of National Forest and Coast filled my being with wonder while the radio blared REM and open windows blew it’s cool dry breathe in our faces leaving echoes of laughter in our wake.

My honeymoon was in September and I spent almost four weeks in gentle Bali meeting people who were filled with love and service. Traveling through the mountains of Ubud on married feet visiting communes of artists and the rural beauty of expansive villages. I was there September 11th when the World Trade Center fell and the people of Indonesia looked at my American face with eyes of grief telling me they were sorry for “my people.”  I learned then how very connected we all are.

My daughter was born September 12th one year later and I will never forget when they lay her on my chest that evening and I felt her – skin to skin, and touched each tiny part of her drinking her in. My heart expanded and life became something different then. Each year we celebrate her life in ours… this year she is nine.

I spent a month in Italy with my little family the year after my daughters birth and we walked September streets in Florence and learned to take our time each day just enjoying the feast of every visual, and food that had never tasted so good. We drove each day to a new adventure with our little one in tow and so happy we were that month in Luca, Rome, Venice, and mountain towns… the happiest until

Ten years later in September my deepest understanding of Love yet and it’s power to heal….

In September the hot summers cool into beautiful passages of fall, and my children return to school.  September is like the New Year for mothers who’ve managed to shake the last sand from salty towels and who’ve cut the final wedges of cooling watermelon.

September.
September.

Beautiful September.

Ready to Love You Summa Summa Time

Dear Summer, 

I am ready to love you like never before.  Truly, madly, deeply.  Please ravage my body and inspire my soul…. it’s been a while since you and I had a real love affair. I was super busy being super busy in the past, and I promise not to take you for granted this year.  Things I am already loving about you: 

1) Driving with my windows down and the wind in my hair

2) Sunglasses on top of my head keeping my messy hair in place

3) Watermelon with Lime drizzled on top- ever try this? omg… amazing! 

4) Sun kissed faces

5) Salty Air and hair 

6) Outdoor music and sand in my toes

7) Steamers, and Margaritas 

8) Hearing my children laugh through open windows

9) Fresh cut flowers sitting on my dining room table

10) Car trips to Kennebunk Maine to visit my family

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY EVERYONE! 

Normal? That’s never really been my life.

The past almost eight weeks has really been a blur.  I started conducting social media workshops at my house just around the time my neighbor Robyn had a snowboarding accident and sustained a level three concussion which had originally thrown everything into a chaotic scramble.

Come July Robyn will have lived across the street for an entire year so needless to say having had so much in common (single mom’s, 2 small children, photography, our own businesses, and a love for self development) we developed a fairly significant bond. Her concussion strengthened that bond even further as throughout her recovery process myself and several others have been helping her get back to “normal” whatever that is.

Laughingly the other night we wondered if that’s even possible given the turn of events these weeks have provided.  Robyn’s head injury has allowed her to tap into a deeper knowing of herself and those around her that some might even say borders on (you fill in the blank).

Those of us around her who know her best have witnessed the change in her… a calmer more centered demeanor and while at first i wondered if perhaps I should call this “the injury” – it’s also clear that it’s not in any way impaired her work, the project, or her ability to process her thoughts and emotions…  her hectic, spinning, ADD self is gone… and in it’s place there seems to be a quiet, calm, knowing that some might find disconcerting.  Honestly, I’d be worried if I did not know her as well I do- and to my great relief her humor and wit is back in full form, which, if not for that I’d been truly beside myself with concern.  She is officially Robyn… but altered as if to a higher form of herself (maybe I should bump my head?)

So life continues along its semi- hectic pace with a new twist in the agenda, as Robyn taps in to what we can only both think of right now as a gift.  Her clarity and calm and optimism is refreshing and exciting and well, calming.

We resumed work on The Revelation Project last week and the experience seems more inspiring that ever, and I honor in my heart what I believe to finally be a greater part of my calling in the world.  Maybe that sounds hokey but I feel called to it in a way that is different for me.  I have no business to be unconcerned for money or material comforts as my “situation” does not really lend itself to a life of leisure – lol. But I feel like because the money is not the motive and my heart is 100% in it… it creates an ease, and earns “enough” to at least take the edge off.   In the meantime my social media classes and blogging workshops have been filled with amazing people who come to learn something I did not even realize I had to offer… (thanks Jennifer Neuguth) and who help me pay for the weeks groceries (side plug: I’ve got another social media workshop coming up late may on a SATURDAY for those who cant make a week day so let me know if you want to book a seat!)

It’s been a LOOOONG three years but I will officially now say:  I AM HAPPY.

(Deep gratitude to those of you who have been the light while i was the darkness)

What’s New? Mommy 911 and Blogging

Everything!

I’m a little overwhelmed.   Blogging for a few different organizations has been harder to juggle than i initially thought.  Did I really think that it was going to be easy?

I’m starting to get the hang of it now… it’s called routine- something I ROUTINELY avoid. Ugh!

Robyn (co-creator of The Revelation Project) is finally off my couch and seems to be able to feed herself again after banging her noggin snowboarding so I can no longer with good intention avoid the obligations that scream for my attention. KIDS! BATH! LAUNDRY! and I’ve managed to get a few posts completed on TLC’s Discovery Network.  I wrote this one today on my experience growing up and attending a Waldorf School in Detroit Michigan, and I’ve also managed to write a few for the Revelation Project which you can view here and here.  My favorite however is the one I wrote with YOU in mind which you can view here: Mommy 911

I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER!

The other reason for some of the overwhelm is that the project has been a hit!  In order to keep things simple ( that’s a joke) I separated the blogs (Childerness and The Revelation Project) so if you’d also like to follow that one please sign up here.  I did this because many women and younger women who don’t have kids are interested but as soon as they saw “the childerness” title they got nervous (any surprise?) and though the project was just for mom’s… which it’s not.

Finally; I just want to say… I can’t WAIT for summer this year.  It will be the first REAL SUMMER I will have in a long long long long time ( I’ll explain in the next post!)

Sprinkler!!!

I could eat them!