Revelation: Grace, Gratitude and Courage

Things are getting kind of exciting in business again and I find myself bumping up against my insecurities, my fear and my past.

I realize how resigned and cynical I have become as I hold myself back from believing that something good can happen to me again professionally.  Since I closed my retail stores and finally surrendered to a disaster of poor financial planning, economic meltdown, and divorce I’ve been fattening up on slices of humble pie in the meantime.

What’s most uncomfortable for me is who I had become at one point during what I considered the height of my business’s success. I had become somewhat arrogant and aloof to those around me and way too busy cutting corners with everything in my life so that I could look like i had it all handled- my real, and terrified self crouched under the surface of this superficial veneer just praying that I would not be discovered as the impostor I had become.

I was in way over my head, and had made so many mis-steps that seemed insurmountable to fix.  Struggling to pay vendors, keep up with responsibilities of family and work, and manage an already failing marriage was simply more than I had bargained for.  My thirst for success had brought pain and hurt to the people around me, and I had no one to blame for their departure from my life but myself.

These past two years have been spent trying to get back to the me that turned down the wrong one way street and begin again.

Is being sorry for the things you’ve done in the past enough to set things right?  Do I deserve another shot?  Can I make up for the wrongs I’ve committed, and most importantly have i really learned the lessons that have been offered?  These are the questions I ask myself.

All I can do is whisper my mantra I’ve adopted since this whole thing came crashing down:

“Dear Universe please grant me the grace to accept the things I can not change, the gratitude to live each day moment by moment, and the courage to begin again”

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The Bridges We Burn

One thing I inherited from my father was his sense of humor.  He was very dry, and cynical and sarcastic, and I found it down right hysterical for the most part.  This is not to say that my humor IS this way, (well, at times) but more that I find I have acquired the taste for it.

I personally do not like to burn bridges – but have found through the years especially in business and a few friendships that weather unintentional or required I understand and appreciate the term on another level.  To “bridge” the gap that’s been created would require a level of integrity and conversation that both parties would have to be interested in partaking in.

If that’s not an option – I can only hope that the above holds true.  Sometimes a white surrender flag works too.

 

Revelation: Friendship

Soooo,  I was always Farrah Fawcett (Kris Munroe) In Charlie’s Angels when we played as kids. If I could not be her, I just wasn’t gonna play. end.of.story.

I always wanted a gun too, but it’s quite fortunate for my Wasband that I never had one, because he’d be, well, shot (insert happy smiley face).

I envied the friendships that those women had, you know – the three of them; Kelly, Kris, and Sabrina risking their very lives for each other.  Yet somehow in real life three of us never really worked out because someone always got creepy and went home crying. It was usually Sabrina (bet it was the hair cut- just sayin’).

Back then I really did not realize how true it is that a good girlfriend really can save your life for real.  I’ve had a few- and you know who you are.  These are the women in my life I’d honestly take a genuine bullet for… really I would.  There is always the occasional one who gets creepy now and again, but for the most part – i would not trade them in for anything or anyone. else. ever.

I hope every woman reading this ridiculous blog has that special friend in their life who’s taken a hit for you, stood up for you when you can’t find the strength, or just plain been there to laugh hysterically with when there just isn’t much else one can do.

A Revelation about LOVE

AND

Love ≠ sacrificing one’s own well being in service to another.

Love ≠ swallowing your own truth in an effort to make someone else feel more comfortable.

Love ≠ giving anyone permission to make you feel bad, guilty, inadequate, or uncomfortable.

I’m learning these things as I go…. my head always knew them but my heart did not.

My most recent insight about love and compassion my friend taught me the other day: I can stand up for myself AND be conscious and loving.  I can BE angry even… and still be conscious and loving.  Wow…. I never knew that was ok.

Love = taking a stand for myself AND still extending loving kindness to others.

My deep gratitude to those of you who keep teaching me, showing me and believing in me.