Things are getting kind of exciting in business again and I find myself bumping up against my insecurities, my fear and my past.
I realize how resigned and cynical I have become as I hold myself back from believing that something good can happen to me again professionally. Since I closed my retail stores and finally surrendered to a disaster of poor financial planning, economic meltdown, and divorce I’ve been fattening up on slices of humble pie in the meantime.
What’s most uncomfortable for me is who I had become at one point during what I considered the height of my business’s success. I had become somewhat arrogant and aloof to those around me and way too busy cutting corners with everything in my life so that I could look like i had it all handled- my real, and terrified self crouched under the surface of this superficial veneer just praying that I would not be discovered as the impostor I had become.
I was in way over my head, and had made so many mis-steps that seemed insurmountable to fix. Struggling to pay vendors, keep up with responsibilities of family and work, and manage an already failing marriage was simply more than I had bargained for. My thirst for success had brought pain and hurt to the people around me, and I had no one to blame for their departure from my life but myself.
These past two years have been spent trying to get back to the me that turned down the wrong one way street and begin again.
Is being sorry for the things you’ve done in the past enough to set things right? Do I deserve another shot? Can I make up for the wrongs I’ve committed, and most importantly have i really learned the lessons that have been offered? These are the questions I ask myself.
All I can do is whisper my mantra I’ve adopted since this whole thing came crashing down:
“Dear Universe please grant me the grace to accept the things I can not change, the gratitude to live each day moment by moment, and the courage to begin again”