Not In Candy Land Anymore.

Mr. Goodbar wants me to go through my photo’s today and par down.  He says that I especially have too many photo’s of our cats.

I disagree. strongly.  It’s important that I document their every precious cuddle, curl, and sprawl.

I will reluctantly comply.

He wants me to repeat: “I am a digital hoarder” each time I delete a photo or an email.

I love where our relationship is headed now….

We’re not in Candy Land anymore folks.

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BCOC (Big Cat on Campus)

Mr. Goodbar has a new name… so I am happy to use them interchangeably as I see fit (naturally)

His new name is “Big CAT” not ,

Big Man
not
Big Dog

but

Big CAT

Do you want to know how this new name was acquired?  Of course you do, and guess who’s gonna tell you? (It occurs to me at this moment that he may forever regret moving in together)

So, last night we are on the bed and like clockwork our two cats Blue and Bella climb into their usual positions. which, if your a Ragdoll Cat (the best kind of cat who are not like cats at all but instead rather act like small dog’s) would be right up next to us as if they too will recline beside us watching back to back episodes of Bones.  So – the four of us are in position when Mr. Goodbar gets affectionately bit  as they will sometimes do as the sheets and covers move and they think – represents a play opportunity.  It happens a few times and Mr Goodbar says:

“OW!”‘ a few times…

and then the next thing I know the CAT says:

“ME-yelp!”  and moves location.

“What the heck was that?” i ask making sure the cat is ok.
“I had to bite his ear….” says Goodbar without blinking ….

“So he know’s who the Alpha Cat is….. ” he continues…

“You know- like the BIG cat in the house ” he finishes.

(Oh, yeah, – now we all know who the Big Cat is… beware!)

“MEE- ROW!” BIG CAT… “MEE- ROW!!!”

Totally GAY for V- Day

I just started a pin board on pinterest called “Gay and Romantic” which is completely not PC, however; when I grew up “gay” did not mean “gay” & “queer” did not mean “queer” 
gay simply = queer which was a form of goofy+ sappy meets silly+ ridiculous- and that was all.  It was completely “ok” by us to call each other “gay” or  “queer” or “retarded”. We kids knew what we meant, it was the adults who eventually made it complicated, politically incorrect, offensive, & wrong- *sigh*…. leave it to adults to spoil perfectly awesome and I still want to use them everyday words!!!

In any case-  I love being gay and romantic – especially because:  I am!
Being in love makes it all possible… thank God for love because it inspires me to do incredibly queer and retarded things and I have GOOD REASON ( see: chemical imbalance)  (and again, for the RECORD- let me please clarify that I do not in anyway mean ANYthing derogatory to either mentally challenged adults or same sex lovers!- those two things just don’t EVEN cross my mind in this case!)

With Valentines day almost upon us I am thinking about what I can do for my own “lovah” (which is a term that makes us both cringe and so I giggle as I write it.) However, I realize that the gayest thing I’ve ever done for him is so gay that it might have bought me a free pass for a couple of years in which i do not have to do anything as “over the top” as what I presented to him last V-day!

“TA- DA!” ( I remember it well)  He unwrapped the box that contained the grubby little moleskine journal and looked at it with mild trepidation.

“What is it?” He asked.

I had kept a journal professing my love to him over the course of the year and gave to him.  I think I raised my eyebrows and said something romantic

and gay

like:  “It’s my heart… and, it’s yours now”   (Ok, I am making this part up and I just had to go to the bathroom so I don’t wet my bathrobe thinking about looking into his eyes and saying this… i think he would die.)  As it is I think he’s only read a few pages to this day… (too queer!) so perhaps I can bring it back out (NO!!!!!!- like the JC penny commercial) and highlight a few choice passages for review- read them outloud to him by candlelight in the naughty negligee I don’t own or something equally as cringe – worthy.

Seriously? I personally love it because I filled the entire thing and mean every word of it and then had the guts (aka stupidity) to give it to him but it was over the top queer and we both know it.  One of the reasons I love him so much is that I know it will mean a lot to him one day though like maybe when we are like 98 we can lay next to each other reading it and LMAO.

It was a once in a lifetime unabashed devotional to the man i love and if anyone ever found it guess what I KNOW they would immediately say upon reading it (especially if they grew up in the same era) they would say:

  “This is SOOOO GAY! What kind of a RETARD would actually write this sh*t?”

and we would all nod and agree because we would know EXACTLY what kind of a retard would do that…..

ME!!!!

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The V-day Journal for my "Lovah"

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Cutting Butter with A Knife: A Survival Story.

Sooooo.

Mr. Goodbar left for a business trip and for the first time since we’ve moved in together (it had been approximately eight weeks, 6 days, 16 hours, and 22 minutes) I found myself completely alone (kids with Daddy)  and starving.  I thought I’d make myself a bowl of brown rice with chicken and cut some cold butter with a knife (for the rice) and….

cut my left index finger to the bone and stand there bleeding profusely all over the kitchen. Did I say all over? Did I say bleeding? Profusely?

I stood there for a moment – it was in slow motion and a detached voice said:

“Oooh, that SUCKS!”

and “Damn… that really HURTS.”

When i was done realizing that this was not a superficial wound I gathered my wits about me I ran around the house yelling:

“Shit.”

“Shit.”

“Oh Shit.”

to no one. but myself. because, well.. no one was home and because the situation called for a cool head and quick action.

Blood. everywhere.

I rushed around trying to figure out the how to stop the bleeding and find my phone was so i could… could what? text? tweet? Interesting how I may very well lose a finger but I am concerned of the whereabouts of my i-phone (at all times apparently)

How ridiculous. I did not need my i- phone !!, I needed my FINGER! I needed my car key, I needed gas, I needed a tourniquet, a rubber band to hold it on,  and I needed stitches so that I can operate and function like the mentally impaired adult that I am! That much was as clear as mustard.

I continued “Oh shitting” out loud as I made my one handed drive to the ER in my ever practical family car: the Mini Cooper stick shift. Holding my hand above my heart well over my head (It has a sunroof)   Not really sure how I got there. at all.

I walked into the ER and the Triage Nurse station was directly in front of me.  I said to myself:

“Self?”

“Triage= YOU”

The little nurse there was all business and demanded I take off the rubber band from around the roll of sullied paper towel that was once my finger (blood trail on floor to mark entrance) so she could re-dress the “laceration” (her words) .

“Oh yeah- this is gonna need stitches for sure” she said as we unwrapped it and although I looked through squinty eyes that really did not want to look but totally needed to see I promptly vomited on the floor.

She seemed unimpressed, but I’ll tell you, I was was just the opposite… the body is completely amazing- you know?  My finger looked ALL KINDS of WRONG and my stomach intuitively KNEW THAT and so it just kind of rejected the whole idea (along with the spoonful of rice I managed to shove in my mouth before the stabbing).

While I was sitting in the waiting room of the ER sexting with the Goodbar (got to keep things spicy) I took a quick glance around the room and it became clear why the nurse seemed so lesefaire about my revolting finger wound “laceration” (her words). – Every guy in the waiting room had one!

No kidding.

There was a big guy to my left who’d done it with a Ginsu cutting bell peppers while preparing dinner for a party of 30 and really working at a clip when …. well, needless to say thank god his finger nail got in the way.  Another who’d gotton the top of his finger pinched off (OWIE) when a dude dropped a massive weight on his hand while at the gym.   Then two more guys who’d been in minutes earlier (being stitched up ) who were both in gourmet kitchen accidents. I felt like part of a brotherhood- (except i was like the sister in the family of wounded hands- like a middle child who’s just stuck with brothers all around her just making the best of her life with men everywhere) we all silently sat there – sharing this horrible event that would make us closer- just so that we could never see each other. ever. again.  of our sliced appendages…we were survivors. i was not alone. (Did I mention that I was totally checking out the size of their finger dressing and comparing them to mine?)

(Mine was the biggest.) 

The guys seemed super impressed by the amount of blood coming from my new tourniquet and the fact that I was able to keep my wits about me with such a terrible “laceration” (her words) and asked me:

how did it It happen?

….and then,

all of my wounded hand brothers were focused on me….

They were all looking at me.

Quietly.

Waiting.

“I, um, I… er, I…”

“I’m not sure..”

“I mean… ”

“I… I didn’t get a good look at the guy… ahh… I mean,  ahh…”

“butter. It was dark… everything happened so fast… I…. I…”

“I..”

“blonde.”

“and I bleed-ed.”

“Bad.”

“Butter.”

“Bad.”

Six stitches.  I am home now, eating my chicken and rice dinner (sans butter).

Can’t be left home alone. again. ever.

Oompa Loompa

Since Mr. Goodbar and I live together now,  I’m a little worried about my waistline.

I usually have great self control, unlessthereiscandyandchipsandsodaalloverthefreakinghouse!

It’s like living with Willy Wonka… and if he does not stop soon he’ll be bedding an Oompa Loompa.

That’s hot.

Light, Love, Divorce and Family.

I am loving our new home/family dynamic since the move.  It’s always good to plan for the worst and hope for the best and frankly I was not sure how we would all fare living together for the first time.

Throughout the last couple of years the Goodbar and I had never put our need’s or desire’s over the kids.  Our old house was their house after all and so we’d wanted to be conscious and respectful as they got used to the idea that we were eventually going to go the blended family route.  He officially “spent the night” only a handful of times and to the kids it was kind of like a friend having a sleepover (it was kind of like that for mommy too). In the meantime – we did a lot of “discussing” with them what our new “family”  configuration might be like when it was time and I think it really helped them to get an idea and a visual in mind.  In addition I think it prepared them because they were able to ask questions and get answers.

I don’t think either of my kids really have much of a memory in terms of the “missing” of their Dad and it’s  Because our lives were so very different and our schedules completely opposite- they only ever remember being with one of us really, at any given time. Unfortunately or fortunately (depending how you look at it) we never really had a “family” dynamic.  We were existing, surviving, and avoiding- the kids were used to the tension, the excuses, and the hastily made and cleaned up and all to “rare” family meals… sad but true. In hind-sight I can feel a genuine sadness for all of us-  we just did not know how to “be” together any other way.   In hindsight I see that our break up was eminent… but we delayed, and tried, and strained…. “for the sake of the family”.

I appreciate and honor my wasband.  I always will- because I learned so much, and because I believe we were called to be together to bring our children into the world and be married for a period of time.   We had many many good times together and I believe that our “spiritual contract” was up long before we had the strength or awareness that it was time to officially pull the plug. I find myself amazed each day now as I experience such a different reality. One of happiness, peace, and unity- a true sense of “family.”  Both of us see now how deeply unhappy we were together when we were married, so now- we can simply enjoy each other for who the other is- instead of driving each other crazy that we are not the person we needed the other to be. He too is part of this new hybrid family, as he will always be my parenting partner. This new version is one we can all truly appreciate and that works- finally.

In the meantime I have a deep appreciation, respect, and compassion for those going through divorce. It’s heart breaking and painful- almost every step of the way.  It was one of the most lonely and terrifying experiences of my life and it was only through the support of a few select people that I made it through at all. When you decide to end a marriage a funny thing happens – everyone starts having their opinions, and judgements, and projecting their own thoughts and beliefs instead of just listening and being supportive.  Divorce can wreck havoc on close groups of friends who’ve all known and loved each other over the years.  It’s never easy to know what to do when a loved couple decides to split- it seems to threaten the very dynamic of the group- and we all have a deep need to stay in our comfort zone. So- in addition to the grief and pain the actual divorcing couple experiences, there’s so much more to it that creates all kinds of additional chaos for all involved.

Had I not gone through the experiences that have helped to shape me, I would not have grown so much, or been able to appreciate the difference of what I am experiencing now- and it’s with deep gratitude that I can now have perspective on those dark times &  truly appreciate and know the light when it shines itself into my world as it is now.

Thank you God.

The Indian Warrior & The Muffin Top

Last night I went out to dinner and decided I would wear the pre-worn ( but relatively new) paige jeans I just got on ebay.

As I squirmed into the jeans I sighed heavily when i got to the part where you’re spose to be able to zip them. I sucked it big time so that the zipper could make it’s long sojourn up to the top  … where the button is sposed to do it’s #1 function:  button.  It was at this time that I realized that the difficulty must be that these jeans were “high waisted”  and, lemme tell you, it’s been a while since i’ve worn a pair of those armpit grazing blues.  *sh*t. I didn’t even realize that cool jean companies are even allowed to make high waisted jeans anymore- did I miss the memo? Are Paige like the new mommy jeans? So not cool.

Once I got my tunic shirt on i noticed that the unsightly bulge around my middle was at least a little less obvious.  The gelatinous consistency of my child bearing belly was carefully concealed by the higher tides of my new waistline. I’ve exercised periodically and I am currently giving Pilates a good run in order to firm up my “core” ( core? where is that? )  but I’ve resigned myself to the fact that my middle is kind of like the elastic on an old pair of grannie panties- S.H.O.T.

As I sat down to dinner (I use that term lightly) I realized that I could not quite “bend” at the middle and that i was wildly uncomfortable. My gut protested-  understandably,  it had no where to go and was like a caged version of the blob- unable to be contained.

I pretended to adjust the napkin on my lap and as I tried to distract the Goodbar’s attention I managed to undo the button of my discontent. The young bartender and I traded a knowing glance, and I felt confident that we also passed an understanding until I took some time to check her out more carefully. How could she possibly understand my torture? She was maybe in her late 20’s or early 30’s- was that a smirk on her face? Damn her- she’d have her day. I wandered the bar area with my eyes- trying to find an ally, but I was on my own.  What kind of dinner place was this anyway ? Was this a no muffin tops allowed establishment?  I am still hip – I can pass can’t I?  omg- these girls are all college age- what am i doing here?

Getting home and getting out of my new used jeans was a huge relief.  I felt like I was peeling off an unfair jail sentence. My belly felt free- free at last!

I’m returning these F*ing jeans and if they don’t take returns I will burn them. I will burn them as I dance around the fire as I give homage to the muffin top gods. I am healthy, I am strong, and I am a wanna be indian princess warrior with a fruit bearing womb who does not care.  I am thick in the middle:  hear me roar.

The meal was terrible. I hate that restaurant.  I am never going there again.

I have nothing more to share.

Goodnight.

Cut Backs and the Goodbar

The other day Mr. Goodbar told me that he had cleaned out his candy drawer.

He said it in a way that really kind of bothered me because his voice sounded different…not like a candy voice should.

I asked him what he meant and was it because i had blogged about it?

I mean “WHY????”

He reassured me that no, in fact he loves his “stage” name but just feel the need to “cut back”.

cut back?

Now, being a woman who is kind of freaked out by all things “cut back” I wondered if those words would pertain to anything else?  I mean, I have been punished before for lesser crimes than exposing someones fridge but I did not want to make mounds out of milk duds.  I started inserting my verbs with his verbs: CUT BACK and I got myself really worked up, I mean, if he can cut back the candy drawer what else can he cut back???

Affection? Attention? Admiration? SEX?

Needless to say I have been in a STATE.

A STATE I TELL YOU.

Dedicated to Mr. Goodbar

Who can take a sunrise
Sprinkle it in dew
Cover it in chocolate
and a miracle or two?

The candyman
The candyman can
The candyman can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good

Who can take a rainbow
Wrap it it a sigh
Soak it in the sun
and make a strawberry lemon pie?

The candyman?

The candyman
The candyman can
The candyman can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good


Willy Wonka makes
Everything he bakes
Satisfying and delicious
Talk about your childhood wishes
You can even eat the dishes

Who can take tomorrow
Dip it in a deam
Separate the sorrow
And collect up all the cream?

The candyman?

The candyman can cause he mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good
And the world tastes good cause the candyman thinks it should

Mr. Goodbar

I’ve decided that one of the most disturbing and endearing qualities about the man I adore is his diet.

When I say I adore him, it’s honestly an understatement as I’ve never quite felt so connected to any individual in my entire life.  Usually by this time in a relationship, red flags start to show up and wave themselves in the face of denial.  Having just sailed, rowed, swam, parasailed, waterskied, and surfed down da nile for the last 12 years I have my eyes WIDE OPEN to these types of warnings.

Freezer

The man is perfect, and when I use the words perfect and man in the same sentence I feel entitled to make some concessions and in this case the concessions i make take the form of a very interesting choice of food candy “groupings”.

His food pyramid is set up to pay homage to the diet of a six year old boy on halloween morning, and yet he is a grown up in every single way and I might add; brilliant.  I sit in his beautifully stylized apartment and take in his attention to detail, form, design and function.  His skeletons are not in his closet, but his fridge, and I have to admit that I would take those any day over the ones I have danced with in the past.

I’ll stop here, as I reckon it’s unwise of me to continue down this slippery slope, but will instead pull him ever closer to my heart, hoping that this relationship emulate the trials and tribulations of an everlasting gobstopper.

The Night- Table